Yesterday was one month. One month!!! We have made it an entire month without our baby Ben. I can’t believe I have not snuggled your little body, washed your blonde hair, lathered up your little pot belly or put suds on your little arms. I haven’t kissed your little cheeks, or hugged you so tight. I haven’t changed your diaper or heard the crinkly sound it makes. I haven’t needed to make your bed or pull down the covers. I haven’t gotten you dressed or gotten you in your nap clothes and covered you in your blankie. I haven’t held your hand at mealtimes to pray or squeezed your cute little foot under the table while we were eating. I haven’t watched you play in the sandbox or zoom down the slide. I haven’t had to remind you to keep the rocks out of the garden beds while I am working out there. I haven’t pushed you on the swing or held your hand to cross the parking lot. I haven’t put your feet in your little black tennis shoes or watched you race to get your cowboy boots on first (with one pant leg in and one pant leg out). I haven’t slipped a quick “tractor” or “King Ropes” hat on your head as you were racing out the door. I haven’t heard your fake laugh or your wild Indian yelling dance with your brothers. I haven’t snuggled you so tenderly at nap time or bedtime. I haven’t had to tell you to calm down so you could rest. I haven’t seen you peak up on the landing, shirtless and with Waitley as your accomplice to see if you could watch Cars or Little Rascals. I haven’t seen you curl up on the red couch right beside your brother to enjoy your favorite movies. I haven’t seen you get a “don-don” (donut) to make it until breakfast time. I haven’t seen you drink out of your sippy cup. I haven’t seen you run across the yard or try to ride our brothers bicycle. I haven’t seen you wrestle with your brother or try to jump on one of their heads. I haven’t been able to tell you that “You are my favorite Ben in the whole wide world,” or “I love you SO much!” Which you would reply, “I love you….. “ho” much!”
There is more work for me here on Earth, raising your brothers and loving your Daddy until death do us part. There is more Gospel to share and more hearts to win over for Christ.
There are a million things I miss about you sweetheart and my grief is so deep that this pit seems relentless. But I also know the truth that this “month” has been the very best of your entire life. Until eternity little one…. mama is coming! I will see you soon, sweetheart!
