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I Don’t Want This Journey

Updated: Feb 27, 2023

Today marks 98 days since my sweet little Ben died in my arms. 14 whole weeks. It feels like a million minutes. And also 3 months since we buried him on the ranch.

When I started this blog I had been recently diagnosed with cancer (in 2013). I didn’t want to do that either. This disease was growing in my body and I had an opportunity to fight it. The Lord so clearly spoke to my spirit that this would be a “journey for His glory.” I didn’t like it AT ALL, but I was willing to let Jesus be glorified despite my circumstances.

Life has had many ups and downs since 2013. We added two more dandy cowpokes to our herd – Waitley in 2017 and Ben in 2019 – both miracle babies.

But then in 2021 I had to face a parent’s worst nightmare. Ben was sick, we took him to the hospital (twice), and within 26 hours he died. There are a million details between point A and point B, but the end result is the same. Ben died. I feel like part of me died, too.

I love Jesus, but…. there is actually no but… I just love Jesus. This the most impossible pain I have ever felt, but I still love Jesus. I actually don’t want to love him right now. I would way rather have a good fist fight in heaven and take Ben back. I wish my thoughts were as pure as the driven snow, but I am a sinner.

My greatest struggle has been reminding myself of the truth of God’s character with the reality of my life.

God is merciful, even though is doesn’t feel like he showed us mercy.

God is loving, even though this doesn’t feel very loving.

God is kind, even though this doesn’t feel like kindness.

I am a mama with tears streaming down her face as I write this. I am mama who wanted to love this little boy on this side of heaven until my death, not his. Grief really is love without the person to give it to.

No mama wants to look down in the ground to see their baby.

Watching the people I love so much hurt so deeply might be equally painful. Brothers don’t want to bury their brother. I am raising men of courage, valor, integrity and honor, but they don’t want to lower their brother into the ground either. Daddy’s don’t want to bury their babies. We don’t want to figure out living a life without Ben. But here we are all the same.

No daddy wants to bury his boy.

The title of this blog remains true. My life must be a journey for His glory, even when I don’t want this journey.

Please keeping speaking Ben’s name.

For our family, it is important to keep asking us how we are. Be prepared for a hard answer. Be okay with being uncomfortable.

Please keep praying for each of our hearts to stay focused on the truth of God’s word and the truth of his character, despite our ever-changing emotions. Pray that we can still trust God with our future, because He is trustworthy, not because of how it is all going to turn out.

Pray for our extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and friends that are trying to navigate their own grief.

I’m going to leave you with a Spurgeon quote provided by my spiritual mentor and best friend, “Had any other condition been better for you than the one you are in, Divine Love would have placed you there.” I do wish God had placed me somewhere else. I wish this wasn’t my journey, but since it is, I might was well do it for His glory.

This picture was taken on 6/24/21 – I call this “The Last Good Day” – just 2 days before our world began to fall apart and 3 days before Ben was called home to heaven. Here Ben is saying “cheeeeese!” I love you sweet baby boy!

Graveside pictures taken by the delightful Sara Lock. I hope you never have to use her at the grave, but for everything she is remarkable!

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