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Hate & Thankfulness

21 years ago today my sister was killed in a car accident. That statement, when written or spoken, still shocks me. I so vividly remember getting to the hospital and desperately wanting time to go backward. I wanted to reverse all engines and go back just a few hours. Back to a time when she was alive. Wait 5 more minutes before leaving the school and maybe take a different route home. A route that didn’t end with a woman who was drunk and high driving on the wrong side of the road. No matter how hard I cried that night, there was no going back. This was a time in my life when I didn’t know the Lord. Maybe that is not true. I think I did know a God existed and I HATED him. I worked diligently to hate Him with every ounce of my being. I wanted to throw all that pain on him. He willingly accepted everything I gave Him – all my tears, all my pain, all my hate.

As I ate breakfast with my family this morning I found myself so incredibly thankful. If God had done what I had asked – to stop time, then I would not be here in this moment. I would not be eating breakfast with the three best gifts He has ever given me. A husband who loves the Lord and loves me (despite me). Two little boys who are His to take care of and disciple. I am thankful that my God would never leave me, even when I tried with everything I had to push Him away. He never moved. It took years before I came to accept Jesus after Heather’s death. I was a freshman in college and to be completely honest, I think now, I only accepted him as a way to see Heather again. I am so thankful that, too, is not where He left me. He didn’t leave me in my hate. He didn’t leave me not knowing Him. He didn’t leave me in pain. Oh my goodness, this day is forever burned into my heart and the pain is as real today as it was 21 years ago. But He didn’t leave me on November 16, 1994. He used that day to draw me to Him. Jesus will ALWAYS use our life and our circumstance to draw us to Him and for His glory. ALWAYS!

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